Memoirs of a Wanlass

Today is Eric’s 38th Birthday!

I wanted to salute all the good memories that we love to relive of the Wanlass Growing Up Years whenever we have a family get together. I’ve emailed, called and nagged all six of Eric’s siblings and his mom and got the following stories from them. I was amazed at how many of them I’d never heard before. There were many incidents that we discussed that I chose to omit – like the time when Eric and Jeff got in a fight over a basketball game and Eric ended up getting a tooth knocked out, or the time when Eric and Brian had a brawl at their Aunt Jolene’s House while they were in town for their Grandpa’s funeral…. Anyway, Happy Birthday Eric!

We love you!

The Wanlass Family in July 2006

Top (left to right) Brian, Matt, Jon, Eric and Jeff

Bottom (left to right) Elise, Larry, Linda, Rebecca

From Linda a.k.a. MOM (mother of seven, grandmother of 15, and still going strong!)
When Eric and Jeff were about two and four I took a shower. Not a good idea. When I came out Jeff and Eric had the lid to the flour container, spoons, hands, whatever was handy and were throwing flour all over the floor, on themselves, and up in the air. They were having a great time. I, on the other hand, was not having such a great time. Now that I don't have to clean it up, I have to admit that it really did look like fun.

Another Jeff and Eric toddler incident was when I was writing letters in the front room, the good daughter and daughter-in-law that I am, Dad was at a meeting. Jeff and Eric were in the kitchen. I was so absorbed in getting the letters written that it took me a while to figure out the boys were way too quiet. When I went into the kitchen to find out what they were doing, I found them covered with food coloring. They had been squirting each other with food coloring. I had to give them another bath. Even with that the food coloring didn't come completely off. They were very colorful boys!

When they were in that age range they also turned on the faucet for the water heater and it was shooting all over. Another time they poured vinegar on the fresh peaches I was going to can. Needless to say, I never canned those peaches. Jeff said Eric was the master-mind of there mischief and then he got into trouble because he was the oldest. I don't know who the master-mind was, but I'm really sure they both got into trouble.

When Elise was a baby I was Relief Society secretary. Relief Society was on Wednesdays then. Eric was well old enough to dress himself, but he didn't want to. On this Wednesday I told him to get dressed or we were going to be late. He just wouldn't. He was stubborn and so was I. I was not going to let a 2 1/2 year old out stubborn me, so I wouldn't dress him. I decided to teach him a lesson. I got the other kids in the car, locked the door and left him standing in the kitchen drawer in his pajamas. I drove to the church, gave the books to someone to take notes, put Jeff in the nursery, gave Elise to Suzanne to hold and went back home. I was sure Eric would be in tears and very ready to dress himself. Guess what? He was still standing in the drawer in his pajamas. Not a tear in his eyes. Guess who won that battle?

When Elise was a baby she had fussy time when I was cooking dinner. I would lay her on a blanket by the sliding door so she could look outside, but sometimes she just cried. One day she was crying and Eric came along and decided she would happy if she was sitting up. The only problem was, she was too little to sit up. Eric's heart was in the right place!

When Jeff was freshman in high school he had his appendix out. When he was feeling some better, Eric came home from Middle School and had a terrible stomach ache. He laid on the couch and moaned in pain. Being the up-tight mother that I am, I told him to lay down and it would get better. That was not a good enough response for him, so he proceeded to tell me that I didn't care about him because he had appendicitis and he would die. Obviously, he didn't. They had been doing sit-ups in P.E. and he was stiff. In Eric's defense, I took one of the Garcia boys to Kaiser in Vallejo with appendicitis and he was stiff from P.E. too!

When Eric was in high school he loved to argue about anything. We said he should be a lawyer so he could get paid for arguing. One time he was arguing with me over some dumb thing, so I decided to see if he really wanted what he was asking for or he just wanted to argue. I took his side of the debate and guess what? He took my side. When I mentioned to him what he had just said, he looked really sheepish. From then on, we didn't argue. He stated his side of it and I stated mine and if it couldn't be resolved with compromise, I just told him I was the Mom and what I said was it and I wouldn't argue.

From Jeff (2 years older than Eric): Unfortunately I do not remember all the details. But when Eric was in junior high or high school he had scar tissue on his knee and which created a big bump on his knee, and I think may have cause him some pain. So the doctor has him wear a removable brace that covered his whole leg. Most people wore a brace of this type on the outside of their clothes but Eric insisted that he wear his underneath his clothes. And no matter how much he got teased by me and our friends he still insisted on wearing it underneath his clothes. I never did figure out why he wore it underneath his clothes.

That is the only story I could think of that did not involve in someone getting hurt…household full of boys lots of things got broken and someone almost always got hurt. I did think of a few of those as well.

Again I don’t remember how old we were, but it was before I was 16. Eric was taking a shower late in the day. It was before the addition to the house so the middle bath room had a window in the shower. So I and some friends thought it would be funny to bang on the window and scare Eric while he was in the shower. But the first few times did not get the reaction we wanted. So we kept knocking a little harder…until the window broke, sending glass into the shower. Eric had soap all over himself and now with glass all over the shower. As you might guess he cuts his foot. Further, the window faced the street. There was a large bush in front of the window, but I am sure not very comforting when you have no clothes on, soap all over, and your foot is bleeding all over. Don’t remember the outcome.

As you are aware Eric is extremely prone to sports injuries.

One time…I think one of the first times Eric played in basketball game after getting his first pair of recspecs. He was running down the court and I was running unto the court, during a game. Neither of us was looking, and the side of his face hit my shoulder. And of course in just the right place where his new sports glasses cut the side of his face. I think he needed stitches.

The next one was right after he returned home from his mission. It was the first time he played since he returned and we were playing at Mom and Dad’s. We had not been playing long when went up for a shot and came down wrong on his ankle. He sprained it pretty bad.

From Elise (2 years younger than Eric): For a long time I was the only girl with 5 brothers. They locked me in my room all the time because I was the only girl and the lock was on the outside of the door, which was stupid of them because all the toys were in my room. I kept q-tips in my dresser drawer so I could pop the door open and get out. Once they penny locked me in the room, so I couldn’t open the door at all and had to climb out the window into the backyard to escape.

One of the funniest things I ever remember happening to Eric was when we were at our first year at Ricks College. He lived in Green Briar, the complex behind mine (Cameo). He walked by our apartment to get to class every day. He had these shoes that he worshipped – they were alligator leather skinned loafers – he thought he was so cool wearing them! He was walking by our apt one morning in the dead of winter wearing these shoes. He totally slipped on the ice while we was waving to us! I was thinking he was a total idiot for wearing flat (leather bottomed) shoes in the snow and ice and ruining them, but he always had to dress “cool” so that’s just the way it was!

An annoying thing Eric used to do: he would send his roommates over to visit my apartment to “check up on me”. He told them to make it look like they were just wanting to hang out with us, but in reality, he wanted them to make sure I was dating RM’s – which of course, I wasn’t!

From Rebecca (10 years younger than Eric): I remember two stories about Eric. Both are about when he returned home from his mission. I remember when we picked him up from the airport and he was so old looking and he had a weird accent. When he came down the escalator and he had these big swords and was so amazed by them. When we all got home and he had castanets for me. I was so excited about them and he taught me how to play them. For many years it was my favorite present that I got from anyone and when I went to college I hung them up in my room and it was a big hit with all my roommates.

The other story was when he tried to cook Spanish food and I remember him so upset about are pans not working like they did in Spain and his soup that had a lot of meat in it and finding bones in it and he said that you were supposed to have bones in it. I remember watching him make the chicken nuggets and being awed that he was cooking and so excited about it. Happy Birthday Eric – LOVE YOU!

From Matt a.k.a. Pump (8 years younger than Eric) : I have a little story for Eric. I was little so I don’t remember much about the incident. I believe Eric was in High School because I wasn’t very old. Well I will start off with him hurting his leg. It was either his knee or his ankle. He was supposed to rest and not put any wait on his leg, so we wheeled the bed to the living room for him to watch T.V. as he laid there. I was messing around with him by telling him that I was going to pick my nose and put it in his mouth. He didn’t think I was going to do it, so I was very tempted to do it. I picked my nose while he wasn’t paying attention. When he wasn’t looking I put it in his mouth. He spit it out and told me the booger was salty, but I am sure he was joking. I am not sure if there was actually a booger on my finger, but I thought it was funny especially for being a kid. Till this day he denies it ever happened. Happy Birthday Eric!!!!! Love, Matt

From Brian (4 years younger than Eric): I’ve got 2 stories for you!!! We were going to Disneyland when I was about 6ish (give or take a year or two). We were in a BAD neighborhood in LA and stuck in terrible traffic. We were in the WV Bus and I HAD to GO… you know…GO GO… and it couldn’t wait!!! So mom and dad finally decided that Eric would have to hold an A&W soda pop can – he was the unlucky brother sitting next to me and he claims that I didn’t exactly aim very well! Talk about Brotherly Love! (Christy Here - Elise claims that Eric had to hold the pop can because it was his "punishment" for arguing so much with Brian in the car!)

“Big Eric” was the bully of the Nevada Street Gang. He was around Jeff and Eric’s age and he was a big fat kid. He was HUGE! He was bothering Jeff and Eric all the time, so they rigged up a booby trap on the side yard with a bucket of water. They called him into the back yard and as he walked through the side gate into the back yard, they dumped the huge bucket of water on his head. He ran home crying to his mom and dad and they came over and talked to our mom about Jeff and Eric’s behavior… whatever! Happy Birthday Eric!


From Jon (6 years younger than Eric) : Ceiling Snow Keeps Falling On My Head

When he was a much much younger man, Eric was obsessed (despite his 6 foot white frame) with trying to dunk a basketball. In fact he use to jump around the house to see how close he could come to hitting his head on the ceiling. Let's call it an aptitude (or is it altitude) test for the vertically challenged. As luck would have it, he got to the point where he could do it on a fairly regular basis. One day, he must have splashed some Jordan cologne on or ate some Wheaties (just two of many theories that may explain his mysterious half inch boost) because he hit his head so hard on the ceiling that he about knocked himself out. Consider Eric the "White Chocolate Thunder" of the Wide World of In-house Sports. Imagine a flurry of house dandruff streaming to the floor creating a pile of fresh powder as Eric holds his head in pain and disbelief. Ohh!....the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Eric experienced both at the same time that day. Quite a feat for a white (now even whiter) boy from the bucolic hoods of South Central Fairfield. Worried that he might have given himself a concussion, Eric's three younger brothers administered the only medical exams sanctioned by the Wanlass Adolescent Non-sanctioned (by Mom) League of American Sports or WANLAS for short. Despite his complaints that he didn't have enough time to study, he passed the first few tests with relatively flying colors (if you count pale white as a color). When asked where he was, he eagerly answered "At the church gym playing basketball!" Close enough, we thought; after all, the church is only a few blocks away. Then Brian asked him "how many fingers am I holding up?" Perhaps expecting fisticuffs or having flashes of tumbling Christmas trees dancing in his head, Eric flinched before slowly stating "SSSSICKS!" Although Brian had held up five fingers, we were once again unanimous that is was close enough. Undoubtedly, Eric's Kurt Rambis-esque REC-SPECS glasses were knocked of in his chaotic collision with the ceiling. The third and final question was a bit more tricky. When Matt asked "Who are you?", Eric was torn between Michael Jordan and Larry Bird. An existential crisis of the third kind for sure! Eric must have decided on the Birdman because because soon after, the slow footed southpaw was seen heaving awkward long range jumpers (emphasis mine) from the "money ball" spot on the Wanlass Adolescent Non-sanctioned (by Mom) League of American Sports (WANLAS) outdoor gymnasium on the lush grounds of the Wanlass family estate.

Now we all know that Eric doesn't seem to have experienced any lasting cranial impairment from his close encounter with unconsciousness, but (and this a fairly large but) what effect does hitting one's head on the good ole popcorn acoustic ceiling have on male pattern baldness!? Makes one wonder doesn't it? Hmmmm...maybe that is why Eric had me strap on a Darthvader mask and a radiation suit to help him scrape off the ceilings at the house in Dublin. He was trying to keep what few hairs he had from falling out! No more popcorn falling on the head equals no more follicle fallout. Acoustic foam is the anti-Rogaine. Who better to recruit for help in seeking revenge against the great white stuff from the north than a fellow balding bro? I smell a conspiracy. Didn't the grassy knoll have a dusting of fresh white powder at it's peak? Where is Kojak when we need him? Ohhh wait! Never mind!...All the Wanlass men are bald or balding, but only Eric made the leap into the great white beyond. So much for conspiracies!
Happy Birthday Eric! Hold your head up high, but not too high! We salute you, Mr. Vertically (and Follically) Challenged Aptitude Test Taker! You give new meaning to the sayings "Raising the roof" and "Bringing Down the House"! We salute you, leaping lord of the Wanlass castle! You've figured out a way to make it snow even during the summer. Its your birthday, so jump for joy...just do it outside!

This is a semi-fictional account of actual events. It is the product of the warped perceptions and memories of the author. Any reproduction or further embellishment is prohibited except by prior express written consent of the Wanlass Adolescent Non-sanctioned (by Mom) League of American Sports and its affiliates. You may use this account and the content contained in this account soley for non-commercial informational and entertainment purposes only. Any other use, including for any non-entertainment purposes, is strictly prohibited...unless of course you give the author a "wedgie". In that case you can make any further reproductions or embellishments as you see fit as long as you let go of my underpants.