Now What?

Last week I registered my last born child for Kindergarten. All. Day. Kindergarten.

I have waited for this day for 5 years. The first day of school is July 26, 2010.

I have been a stay at home mom for 14 years. I've worked a few odd jobs on the side over that time, but all self-employment type stuff. No one has given me a real or consistent paycheck in 14 years.

I also haven't been in school for almost 17 years. Except for 1 class I took in 1998 at a local community college in San Jose. It was a black and white photography class. This was before the mainstream public went digital. I still have very fond memories of my time during that 4 months in the darkroom creating art. Or at least, trying to create art. I started a second class after that first one, but dropped out a couple weeks into it because we decided to move 30 miles away. Definitely too far to commute for a photo night class.

In 2002, Eric went back to school to get his MBA. For 3 1/2 years I supported him in that venture, including being at times what felt like a single parent, or at other times editing his papers and proofreading projects. It was like being in school, but not really getting anything out of it. When he graduated, he said to me something like, "Ok, now it's your turn. I have what I want. When you are ready to go back to school, just let me know."

After enduring his return to school while keeping a full time job, I didn't want to think about textbooks or term papers ever again. I've never regretted my decision not to pursue a degree higher than my AA. Other demands on my time were more pressing, and I hadn't really decided what I wanted to "do" anyway. I did not want to waste time going to school for a major that I wasn't passionate about.

Now that Brayden starting Kindergarten is so close and finally tangible, I am really kinda freaking out. What on earth am I going to do with myself while the kids are at school?

I do have some goals. I have projects that have been on the back burner for years that I want to accomplish. I could step up my volunteer time at the school now that I won't need a babysitter for every time I go over there.

I could get a job. Not that I don't want to have a job, but I don't want to get a job, just to have one. I'm confident that made no sense at all. I don't want to be a slave to someone else's schedule just because I feel like I need to get a job. And if I am going to work, I want to pick a place that I love. And I haven't really come up with any great ideas. And even if I had a great place in mind, I'm sure they wouldn't hire me right now because of the bad economy.

I also could go back to school. I've actually thought a lot about that possibility. But what would I major in? And then would I actually use said degree when I was done? Two careers that interest me are Photography and Interior Design... but I don't really see myself as going full board professional in either of those things later on. I don't want to become a career wife/mom just because my kids are in school. I still want to be available to volunteer at the school, or watch track meets, or go to band concerts.

I guess I am going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. I feel like there is a big change coming my way and I don't really know what to do with it. I don't want to spend my first year of freedom wasting away on the couch watching Oprah and eating bon-bons. (Oh wait, I hate Oprah....) I feel like I need to have some kind of plan or I will waste the time. And I don't like the idea of sitting around wasting time. I feel like I need to be "doing" something... even if it is small.

So, don't be surprised if you see lots of blogs coming from my corner of the Internet trying to come up with some ideas... brainstorming posts... if you will. Any and all feedback will be appreciated. And if you have any great ideas about what I can do with my new "grown-up life", please let me know. I'm open to almost anything at this point... well except belly dancing or professional fundraising. I do have my limits, you know.